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Been a little busy...

2010-11-13T08:48:00.001-06:00

I will get around to posting our birth story, but as we just got home last night I am zombiefied & unable to write more than this humdinger of an update.

Asher Glendon Sproat was born at 16:16 on Nov 10, 2010 after 39 hours of labor. He weighed 8lbs 1.3oz, was 21in long, and had a 13inch round head (which was AFTER his plates had moved to get him through the canal...geesh!).

He is perfect.
I did not know I could love such a tiny thing so much!
Matt & I are so happy/tired/frustrated from being tired/learning. But mostly we are in love.

And it's just the beginning.

-- Post From My iPhone

Thoughts from a Pedicure chair

2010-11-06T15:04:00.001-05:00

The fabulous and amazing Matt suggested that since I've been complaining how difficult it is to paint my toes, and what a tragedy it would be to have chipping polish on them when delivering, that I get to the spa. Imagine my elation when I realized that I can TOTALLY WRITE A BLOG POST WHILE GETTING A PEDICURE!!

I don't know why every blogger doesn't make the pedicure chair their writing place.

And you bet your ass that when I went to pick my polish & saw the new OPI Burlesque collection that I "accidentally" shoved the 10 yr old spying the color I wanted out of the way with my belly. Whoopsie!

At least I'm using my human manufacturing status to it's advantage finally, even if it is the final DAYS of pregnancy.

Final. Days. Of. Pregnancy.
Sometime in the next few days, I will be a MOM. Holy. Crap. It's really setting in. As scary as the prospect is, there's a certain calming relief knowing that we have a medically sanctioned end date, should he not show up before then. I'm actually relaxing, for the first time in weeks! I'm enjoying people watching & not obsessing every minute about OMGWHATOTHERNATURALINDUCTIONMETHODSARETHERE and WHYISNTHEHEREIWANTTOHOLDHIMNOWNOWNOW!!

It's just nice to be in the happy place. In fact, I don't cry anymore after every call/text/tweet/fb message asking if the baby is here yet. It's annoying, yes. But it's also comforting to know that me/baby/matt are so loved. I've stopped myself from thinking my body is a suck machine for not producing the child yet, and started being comforted by the happy vibes coming our way.

Our whole life changes sometime in the next few days. "We" will become three.

-- Post From My iPhone

This is what happens when you forget to hit "Publish"

2010-11-06T12:25:00.003-05:00

I sat down to write a post today about how I'm now 3 days overdue and our doc scheduled an induction for November 10th (Marine Corps Birthday, for those of you playing along) as a fail-safe. It was going to be a post about the relief of knowing there's an official end date in sight. But noooooo, I just had to flake out when I wrote a post on the 1st and forget to hit "publish".

So you readers will just have to suck it up and enjoy my now-published-previously-unpublished post. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll update more later. Maybe.

Enjoy
----------------------------------------------

Halloween!

We thought munchkin would be here by now. We were all prepared and set for it. The doc was SURE that my gestational diabetes would have kicked him out pre-halloween, but I guess since I've been able to manage this bugger with diet/exercise I'm just as healthy as a normal pregnant woman. That, and this kid really likes his wombpartment. Can't say I blame him, if I saw an ad on craigslist for a place with free utilities, a constant comfy temp (regardless of outside weather), and free food, I'd be all about it.

So as my hubs and I came to accept that this child would not be joining us on the outside pre-halloween, we realized we were costumeless to go see our friends in Rocky Horror! On the audience costume contest night, no less! TRAVESTY!

So I snuck over to the theater and was kindly given permission by a costumer to borrow a set of costumes.

Now, when you're so pregnant that you pretty much live in sweatpants/tshirts, your options for halloween are limited. Especially on a short notice scenario. However, I made a list of things any pregnant woman could be for Halloween. (Note: a mommy blogger I follow asked for ideas for maternity halloween costumes, and I was DISAPPOINTED that not one of my suggestions made her list. I mean, really. She listed "be a speed bump" or "paint your tummy". You're pregnant. HAVE FUN WITH IT!). Anyway, my list:
- Jabba the Hut - Matt would have gone as Han Solo or Slave Leia. He wanted Solo, to which I replied that he could ONLY if I could freeze him in carbonite. So obviously this lead to a Mexican standoff at high noon in our house, as he enjoys movement of his body...and living (apparently because this whole "carbonite" thing isn't perfected yet, he didn't trust me to create it with an at-home chemistry set. Probably for the best.).
- Juno/16 & Pregnant Girl- 2 sides to play with here. On the Juno side you could do a couples costume and hubs could wear the super-ball-clenching short gym shorts. On the 16/Pregnant side hubs would have to be all Maury-level-cray-cray.
- Shotgun Bride - Obvious. Fun. Easy. Bonus points if you mud up the bridal gown and carry around beer cans all night
- I-Didnt-Know-I-Was-Pregnant Girl - This is fun. Wear normal clothes, pretend to drink, complain of pregnancy-esque symptoms, say you're just getting fat, deny deny deny every logical part of your life saying you're not preggo, and hang a preggo test from your necklace (preferrably a positive one, just to show what a dumbass you are for making it 9 months without knowing), and then start withering in pain and say "I think its my appendix! Or a kidney stone!".

Seeing as Matt didn't want to do any of the above or the costume pieces weren't super easy to find in the costume closet we went with the next best thing...

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Oy so much!

2010-10-27T21:57:00.001-05:00

Lots to update on now that I'm 39 weeks & still pregnant. We (including the doc) were sure that my gestational diabetes (which was a real kick in the twat to get diagnosed with) would have produced labor by now. Alas, my son is a proud mamas boy afraid of change.

This post is brief, but here's what is coming up in the next few days (I have to do something to keep me busy while still incubating):
-my mom sent me my birth story. I mean, I've heard it before, but not like this. Really neat
-child abuse jokes ARE funny regardless of what uptight broads on Facebook may say. Because they're jokes. Obviously. (this message approved by my favorite lesbian)
-HOLY CRAP I'M STILL PREGNANT! Have. Tried. Everything. Some days I'm ok with this, others I have mental breakdowns
-Halloween maternity ideas (since I'm now totally believing I'll be pregnant forever)
-My husband is hilarious

So that's all for now. I'm going to (attempt) sleep for the night & resist the urge to clean. True story: I let rooms get dirty so when the last weeks were upon me I could clean. Too bad I tire out fast now.

The 3 P's & How They've Changed

2010-09-25T23:08:00.003-05:00

There was a time when the 3 P's of my life were Pizza, Pot, & Porn. That was a typical Saturday night with my closest friends. Now my 3 P's are Panic, imPatience, & Pain. With growing up comes responsibility. Not that I'm complaining-my current P's are a part of the greatest journey I'll ever take, leading me down a path that I'm so excited for.

Panic -
Holy-crap-we're-gonna-be-parents-in-less-than-6-weeks-shit-shit-shit (that about sums it up.) Between making sure our bags are packed, all the basic necessities are purchased & here, putting things (mostly) where they need to be, cleaning/organizing the house, etc...well, things get a little hectic.

On top of all of that, it's just becoming much more real. Soon I'll go through labor & delivery (and all the stuff that comes with that...), and then the more scary part-bringing munchkin home! With all of this becoming less of an idea and more of a reality I'm doing a lot more soul searching/deep thinking. Not sure how good that is for me...ha!

imPatience -
I've had my days (here at 34 weeks) where I just can't wait till he's here. Matt & I want to meet him so badly! I want my body back. I miss the occasional glass of bourbon. I know the last two are so selfish, and I feel somewhat guilty about it.

Mostly, I just want to be this little one's mommy. I want to hold him against my chest, smell his hair, and kiss his forehead. To hear him breathe as he sleeps & finally see if he sleeps outside the womb just like he does inside it (with his little hands covering his face). I'm growing impatient because I know he's (almost) fully grown & so look forward to sharing the parenting moments with Matt! To have baby on the outside, so Matt can experience the child's growth (like I'm doing now) will be so wonderful. I want so badly for Matt to be able to experience this too.

Pain -
I am now a slow moving, back aching, waddling mess.
All normal, I know. But still annoying. Waking every 2 hours to pee. Taking an extra 10 seconds to bend/straighten up because the baby is making his way into my pelvis, thus spreading my hips & making my lower back stiff. Having to roll over frequently because the last position became uncomfortable. Not to mention the fact that kiddo enjoys stretching himself all the way out at the expense of my ribs (with his feet) and pelvis (he ACTUALLY pets my pelvis with his hands...it feels uber weird).

I've found coping mechanisms for all the aches & pains, the greatest of them being that every little ache means we're closer to meeting our son. That thought makes it all worthwhile.

I think that sums up the third trimester pretty well thus far. Clothing really starts to not fit, you slow down & hurt, you want baby to come asap but at the same time don't because it means the real hard journey of parenting begins. A huge mixed bag of emotions, y'all. The best part is knowing that (in God's time) our son will be here. We're in for a real treat there!

Those old P's that were a part of my adolescence? I don't miss them anymore.

Sticks & stones may break bones, but an xbox is also effective

2010-07-13T00:26:00.000-05:00

This weekend I tried to kick my own ass. Cause, ya know, being 6 months pregnant isn't sore enough.

Saturday I was attempting to help Matt go through old boxes & decide what to keep/give away/trash. He tends to bond with his past objects, so he needs the help with minimizing. With this kid coming like a freight train, we need as few storage items as possible!

So I helped him by coldly tossing a lot of old treasures in the giveaway box. He fought it, as I would if I were him, but the rationale won out. However, he let me know I was ruthless. Then I went through my boxes.

There was my first generation xbox. Ahhh the fun times we had together. But, we don't need it. So I began lifting it out of the box, full intention to sell/give it away, and it slips from my fingers and onto my foot.

Xboxes are surprisingly painful. I need to remember that, should someone break in.

Then Sunday came. All normal until I ran around the coffee table, stepped on the dog bed (which is on hardwood) and bit it. I guess I hit the ground harder than I thought because Matt was quite concerned.

After an initial assessment of myself (I caught myself & fell on my side, breaking my fall with my hands/face/the rug), I knew I hadn't injured the baby at all. Once I expressed this rationally to Matt, the hormones took over & I bawled over my clumsiness for at least 15 minutes. Matt called my mom (a nurse) to confirm my rationalization, but I wouldn't talk to get because I felt I was "too hormonal" (yes, I said that).

We calmed down and grabbed the baby listener to check on Uno. He usually is inactive at the time I fell, so we just wanted to hear his heartbeat. Apparently pressing the listener against him pissed him off, because he kicked/punched/moved every way possible to let us know he disliked all the ruckus. I was never more proud. :)

Today, I'm a little sore, but fine. My cheekbone looks like I had a bad implant done. It's amusing. I had lunch with a girlfriend today who earned herself some UDIs (unidentified drunken injuries) this past weekend & we looked like female boxers commiserating. We got a kick out of it, even if the mommies in panera were giving us concerned looks as if they needed to contact a battered women's shelter. That's all that matters.

I now leave you with this morning's photographic evidence that I went toe to toe with Hilary Swank (the name of our living room rug).

Not the best lighting, but the swelling is obvious. Can't wait for the bruising to set in!

I now will finally publicly confess: I'm a klutz. At least my kid is one tough, expressive nugget.

Back to Blogging.

2010-07-06T14:22:00.003-05:00

For real this time. I'm really back.
See? I'm writing things on my blog again.

I'm 23 weeks pregnant as of now. It's starting to really set in that in 13-17 weeks, a medical professional will extract this thing from my uterus & let us bring it home to raise. Um...that's scary.

Up till now, I haven't really shown. Not anymore, because baby Uno has made himself nice and prominent. My feet and I are enjoying our last few weeks of seeing each other until this whole thing passes. We also finished the baby registry, which is a HUGE relief!

The biggest debate we're currently having are names. You'd think this whole naming thing would be easy, but it's kind of stressful. I mean, this kid is stuck with that name its WHOLE life (unless it goes to the courts to change it, but still). This is the first thing we could fuck our kid up with, no pressure. It's difficult to name someone you haven't met, someone you'll spend the rest of your life fretting over, someone who currently enjoys Mortal-Kombat-Style punching your cervix...
Anywho, Our Top 6 Name Contenders are:
-Asher
-Dylan
-Glendon
-Harrison
-Judah
-Luke

Thoughts? Tomorrow we have another OB appointment. This will be the one where my doctor tells me I'll be getting my glucose test done real soon (oh yey). That's a whole other adventure.

It's amazing how my life in the span of only a few months has changed so much. Instead of reading lots of tech blogs, I'm now adding in lots of mommy blogs and obsessively reading books on birthing/breastfeeding/child rearing. I am no longer grossed out by bodily functions and can speak freely of them (conversations with girlfriends about the FUN times of finding colostrum on your nipples...). Now every meal I eat, I think of what nutrition baby has not gotten today. Every shopping trip I think "do I really need that item? how could that benefit babito instead?". My make-up routine is much simpler. I am now a light sleeper (something I never EVER thought would happen). Life is changing, and Uno isn't even here yet.

I even notice my husband changing.

I'm becoming a mommy.

...This is scary.

But TOTALLY worth it.

Spring Cleaning

2010-05-03T22:48:00.004-05:00

So Matt and I started cleaning out our spare room this weekend, as a preparation for it to become our new nursery.

...oh yeah...I'm pregnant. Forgot to mention that on this blog...so...now you know.
Also? I'll be 14 weeks this Wednesday.
Pregnancy sucks in the best way possible - the nausea, sore back, incredible dementia-level forgetfulness, cravings, boobs that hurt like they just finished a boxing match, learning about baby needs/gear/etc-its for the best, because this little person will be joining us in a few months and we'll be taking on this incredible journey together as a family.

Back to the nursery. So we're moving all of these boxes out and going through them, sorting if it's keep/toss/giveaway worthy. As we're doing that, Matt finds a huge stack of papers from his college days-including tests. Turns out, my husband took a course on plays and got a little snarky on his Finals extra credit questions...why? Because he was clueless (yes, I realize how ironic this is, that he'd end up marrying me-a theater freak). The answers were so clever, they must be shared.

My husband's brilliant comedic skills began early on:
I know this is hard to read, so here's the translation-
1. Where did George Cram Cook die?
- In Bancroft Hall, of excessive finals. (Editor's Note: Bancroft Hall was one of the halls of his college)

2. What could not be bought, "not even for ready money"?
- Virginity

3. What caused the Globe Theater to burn down?
- The Puritan reformers, under Cromwell, burnt it down as a house of fornication.

Teacher's Comment (the green writing at the bottom of the photo):
"You just wanted an excuse to write 'virginity' and 'fornication' on a final, didn't you?"

-----
Obviously, all of these are wrong, but they were extra credit questions (even if they were so easy to answer...I mean, come on-Cromwell was dead well before the Globe burnt down!). But I applaud my husband for having the cojones to write something other than "I don't know"!

I hope our child inherits this awesomeness from their daddy. :)

Guuurrrll you betta stop!

2010-04-14T01:52:00.001-05:00

I was about to go to bed. Then I read this excerpt from Kitty Kelly's new Oprah biography, quoted from an interview with Oprah's aunt/cousin/sellout-family-member, Katharine Carr:

"Now, you have to understand that I love Oprah, and I love all the good work she does for others, but I do not understand the lies that she tells. She's been doing it for years now.

Where Oprah got that nonsense about growing up in filth and roaches, I have no idea. (Oprah's grandmother) kept a spotless house…It was a wooden, six-room house with a large living room that had a fireplace and rocking chair.

Oh, I've talked to her about this over the years. I've confronted her and asked 'Why do you tell such lies?' Oprah told me, 'That's what people want to hear. The truth is boring, Aunt Katharine. People don't want to be bored. They want stories with drama.

That story [of sexual abuse] helped launch Oprah and make her what she is today…I don't hold with telling lies, but in this case I forgive Oprah because she has done so much for other people. Maybe this was the only way for a poor child to succeed and become rich. Now she does her good works to make her amends.

Oprah does not love her mother at all…She gives her a great deal financially but she does not give her the respect and affection a daughter should, and that bothers me. Vernita did the best she could with Oprah, who was a willful, runaway child."

I do not care who you are, you do NOT speak ill against Oprah! She taught me how to pluck my eyebrows properly (a valuable lesson as an awkward teen who messed it up...a lot...because we didn't have beauty blogs on the internets to teach us back then!). Even if she did lie, keep your trap SHUT. This woman makes a real difference; she can pick the president, imagine what she can do to people who piss her off...

-- Post From My iPhone

shite.shite.shite.

2010-04-14T00:47:00.003-05:00

(Like how I self edited there? Yeah, you totally get that I meant shit, but shite is more dignified...or something...screw it, I just realized I hadn't blogged in ALMOST a year. A FRIGGIN YEAR)

New things:
- Matt's dog still wants me dead (I'm sure of it)
- Today I was introduced to my new favorite word: Redicunt (definition: its so ridiculous, its cunty too...)
- My husband trolls craigslist for wood...(firewood, you gutter minded a-holes)
- I actually suggested that Matt create a personal ad on craigslist - man seeking wood, must be flammable and can fit in my Escape
- Also, tonight I learned the difference between a mosquito and a mosquito hawk through Matt's interpretive dance...I cant make this shit up
- I got entirely too upset with Turbo Tax today...like, Gary Busey level upset. I threatened to pull its endocrine system out.

There's more, but that should suffice for one posting, you information-seeking hounds!

I shall leave you with two things: a) a conversation between Matt and I tonight; and b) THE BEST AUDITION FOR A PORN EVER

Conversation:
Me: Hey, wanna have sex on the couch?
(Matt walks away all happy with a hop in his step, turns around and sprints back to me)
Matt: Um...when you say 'sex on the couch', do you mean NOW or later? Because I need to
know when to take off my shoes...
(I then laugh so hard its impossible to even consider it now)

Porn Singing Auditions:

I'm not sure if I should be impressed or deeply saddened by how many people don't know the words. Oh, and you, Mr. Creepy-wanna-be-Chris-Farley, I'm definitely into you. I seriously am pre-ordering this from Amazon...or Pornazon, whoever gets it first.

The Day The Music Died.

2009-06-25T22:35:00.002-05:00

There really are no words. I feel as though the wind was knocked out of me. I never understood until today why fans became so devastated when an icon from their youth dies, how they could be so effective.

So many of my favorite memories played out to your music, I would watch MTV just to tape your videos so I could watch them on repeat and attempt to learn the dance moves. Through your highs and your lows that played out during my life, I always admired you and how strong you were.

Thank you for bringing joy into many many lives. Thank you for for the music.

You will be remembered, and missed.

Taking a break from my blogging vacation

2009-05-28T11:39:00.003-05:00

This was just too absurd to not post...
Hope everyone is having a great week! I'm in Baltimore at the moment, heading back south this weekend. My life is oh so exciting.

Also...um...they really felt the need to use the 'tree' metaphor multiple times? Oy. I remember having sex once with a guy who was perfectly shaved down there, it was like humping a porcupine. And while the tree might look taller, it certainly makes your mate feel like she's Mary Kay Laternou. So, if you girl is into that sort of thing...um...call Chris Matthews and the whole 'Predator' crew, cause that's just effed up.

Told ya

2009-05-08T16:34:00.002-05:00

Someone scared the shit out of Britney Spears. I forget at what mark the 'incident' occurs, but you'll see Britney up close look downwards then up to see a stranger coming close to her on her stage...some deranged fan...and she freaks the fuck out.

Can't say I blame her.

Boo hoo y'all! (a personal note)

2009-05-07T04:34:00.001-05:00

Tonight was one of the more glorious evenings of my existance. Why? Well, after five and a half long, painful, stiff months; I finally got my lower back to crack and relieve a great deal of pressure.

Now this might sadden you, as I'm being serious, but since I threw out my back last November I have since lived a life of restraint. Finally the pain is not a constant 6! It's a 1-2! Oh I pray this lasts. Tomorrow I'm going for a run. A real run! A run where I dong have to medicate before/after, have ben gay on before and ice packs ready after, and actually (hopefully) enjoy the activity without worrying if I'll need the cane for two weeks after! Fingers crossed.

In other news, I downloaded the Trivial Pursuit app on my iPhone...and started playing it at 1am...it's now 4:20am. FML. That game in pursuit mode is lethally addictive.

In other matters of this evening, Mash/RobBob/I finished my closet system. As I stood there admiring my new, finished closet, I understood how Carrie Bradshaw felt when Big gave her a closet. Elated, a little horny, and willing to stay with a man who would humiliate me on our wedding day...ok so Mash is the perfect husband and wouldn't do that, but shit I can see the persuasion factor appeal of a custom closet. (Editors note: when I wrote Big, my iPhone auto-corrected to Nig. I'm writing to Steve Jobs on this one.)

Sorry I had yet to update this week, the only semi-interesting tid bits going around were: Pensacola (finally) starts their recycling program on my side of East Hill next month, my puppy is a menace to my life and I'm convinced she wants me dead so she has Mash all to herself, and someone scared the shit out of Britney Spears at her Connecticut concert during her encore.

*sigh* slow week. Til' next time...

-- Post From My iPhone

Poor Mash

2009-05-01T20:17:00.003-05:00

So today I find that little picture on the left (accompanying this article) about how they've added a Ledge at the Sears Tower in Chicago, which opens in June. The idea is that people will want to stand on 1.5" of glass that extends just over 4 feet to the side of the tower...giving the illusion to walking on air.

What do I do when I find out about this attraction? Email my pilot husband (who is also afraid of heights in realm of tall buildings...weird, huh?) and inform him that whenever we get to Chicago he can expect to do this. All I can imagine is him screaming like a little girl while I dance on it. Knowing my luck the glass will then break and I'll have a Coyote moment and be stuck mid-air dancing, realize that there's now nothing beneath me, and fall onto an Acme trampoline (um...you didn't think I was leading to some tragic death, did you?).

Happy Friday!

2009-05-01T20:09:00.002-05:00

Today for your happy enjoyment, two little youtube thangs.

The first - a lesson in how a squirrel can get by with a little help from his pals (thanks ze frank!):

The second is a ridiculously adorable child singing along and rocking out to some country song that I don't even know...but the kid is the brilliant at this shiz!

Creeper

2009-04-27T14:51:00.005-05:00

I'm not gonna lie, Megan Fox is a fox (you see how I did that? I took her last name and used it as a commonly used adjective to describe her! I'm a genius!). Seriously though, bitch is hot. And here she is working on a new movie, because that's what working actresses do in Hollywood.

But as I'm looking at these pictures (Thanks Tyler Durden!) I notice an ominous creeper in the rearview mirror. Does anyone else think ol Chester the Molester there looks a bit Spielberg esque? (side note: spell check TOTALLY has Spielberg in its dictionary, who knew?) Maybe he wants to ask her to do a movie...a private movie. Da dun chik!

Get in the Jalopy!

2009-04-27T14:21:00.004-05:00

First on our illustrious agenda today:

Some Recent Fark headlines with 'Florida' tags (I live for these, almost as much as I live for IceT scenes in Law & Order SVU) because this crazy shit only happens in this insane state:
-Man finishes jail sentence, steps out and takes a breath of air as a free man, and then is promptly run over by a police cruiser
- Today's Fark-ready headline: "Sex-Doll Threesome Man Gets Off". Giggity
- Lingerie football league to begin playing in Fort Lauderdale. John Madden to come out of retirement to call games. WHOA LOOK AT THAT HOLE
- Nine people shot, one fatally, at block party remembering neighbors lost to violence. So...party next month?
- Teachers pose topless for calendar spread to raise money for cancer research. Hilarity ensues
- With budget impasse still unresolved, legislature debates whether new Christian license plate should have stained glass, cross or Jesus Chainsaw Massacre displayed
- *Ding Dong* "Who is it?" "Land Gator" "Oh, Charles, are you pretending to be that awful Land ... OH MY GOD NOOOOO"
- And then there's that special level of stupid for those people who run stop signs, while smoking joints, carrying 209 pot plants in open back seat of car

Which brings me to WHY I'm posting that. You see, I awoke this morning to find this little diddy via a local newspapers Twitter (headline word for word): "Woman arrested for stabbing priest"
Say WHAT?! You can't give me a headline like that for some crazy shit happening in Florida and have this pathetic squalor of a article! I mean, shit! You spent TWO WHOLE PAGES discussing Florida's Elite Mother-of-the-Year candidate for bringing a Gun & Knife to school on the 10 yr anniversary of Columbine (who you still couldn't 'confirm' that she was demonstrating in connection to the Columbine events y'all), but only 2 friggin paragraphs on someone going all stabby on a man of the cloth? WHAT has Florida come to?! For such a crazy religious state (see loverly proposed Florida licence plates with half-dead Jesus on them above) you'd think they would take some time to elaborate on what happened. Why it happend. What did the Rev eat that morning? Shit that you covered in Dipshit-of-the-Week's article, but not in this one. I say of-the-week because I know this state well enough by now to know that there will be a new reigning champ shortly.

...sorry for ranting, local reporting is whack y'all.

In other news I can't get the following two songs out of my head. Its like a gnome has taken up residence in there and is spinning his favorite two songs. STEVE ILL GET YOU ONE OF THESE DAYS!!

...um...yeah. Anyway, the first is Kanye West/Kid Cudi/Common's take on Lady Gaga's Poker Face. Phenoms.

And this is "Im Freaky" by Flight of the Conchords...I'm not gonna lie I've been singing this to Mash all weekend. Because you see, that's what I do when I actually have an entire weekend with husband, I sing absurd songs about how his wife is freaky and wants to make 2 life-size cutouts of our bodies and then pose them into sensual positions, or how he should go outside and get some leaves and pretend to be a tree and ill pretend to be a squirrel and steal his nuts from him...did I mention that I say these things to him while using Brett's falsetto voice? I totally do.

I feel like we're all getting closer already dear readers!

Happy Monday!

Shit Hot

2009-04-26T23:09:00.003-05:00

If this shirt doesnt make you shit your pants with glee then you should be checked into the institution immediately. Holla back old school Mario EXTRA REAL for 19.75! FTW!

(yes, i totally geeked-the-fuck-out on this post. get over it. movinalong!)

Copycat whaaaat?

2009-04-26T22:50:00.004-05:00

That hot mama to the left there is 61 year old Judy Hall, a local Pensacola resident and professional dumbass. What I have gathered from this unbelievably vague article (here) is that Ms. Hall was upset that some kids at school were spreading a rumor that her son posted a 'hit list' online (*note: it was made clear that the 'rumor' wasn't actually about her son, but about another kid, but for some reason this lady thought it was her son...).

So this crackpot did the responsible thing: call the school and scheduled a time to speak with the principal to address her (unfounded) concerns. On said day she freaking SHOWED UP AT THE SCHOOL IN A TRENCH COAT with a concealed gun AND knife. This is the part where I tell you that this crazy bitch did this on the 10 year anniversary of Columbine.

Why? Well, since I'm not quite fluent in dipshit yet, (another few years and just maybe! yay!) the only possible reason I could think of is that SHE was the one who posted the hitlist because no one would suspect the mother of a freshman to go fuckwit crazy on a school of high school kids! Muhahaha! And starting in the principals office? Brilliant. No, seriously, they really don't know why. When the principal saw her in the parking lot (in costume) he ran out to talk to her, where she was quoted as to saying "anyone could walk in the school with a trench coat on and a gun in their pocket and start killing people".

Um...yeah lady...but most people don't do that. And most people don't try to prove this point by bringing ACTUAL weapons to a school campus, nor do they do it on the anniversary of such a clusterfuck of a catastrophe when school employees would be on high alert for a copycat. And most 61 year old women have more sense than this.

But I digress, my favorite part of the article is where the police chief says: "The mother did not identify that she was trying to make a connection to Columbine,"
...
...
really?
um...
you couldn't garner that information by the TRENCHCOAT, KNIFE, or concealed FIREARM? Does she have to wear a sign saying "yo, this is in connection to Columbine!" for y'all to get it?

...am I the only one that found that strange?

This was a weird post for me. I hope it was for you too.
annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd end post.

Oh the woes of being a woman...

2009-04-26T22:27:00.004-05:00

Two things have come to my attention this week that deal with the woes of being female.

1. Some brilliant scientist/researcher/NSA Employee/Man figured out that women carry a lot of shit in their purses. STOP THE PRESSES! They say that on average the following can be found in our bags: a make-up bag, a camera, phone, a diary, a book or magazine, a fold-up umbrella, an iPod, a hairbrush, a set of keys, painkillers, a wallet and hand cream. The article goes on to say that this luggage could weigh as much as 'half a stone' (which sounded kind of scary and heavy to me...like women are Davids in training just waiting for Goliath to show his ugly face to us one day...then I looked up how much a stone is to us American folk, and realized that the extra 7 lbs of a bag they're rambling on about really isn't much. Really.)

If you've met me, you'd know that I knocked out the camera/phone/diary/book/ipod with my iPhone. Genius little device! Makes so much more room for the shit in my bag. What have we here: small emergency makeup shiz, sunglasses, antibacterial hand sanitizer, lip balm, wallet, keys, phone, magazine, cliff bar, back-up cliff bar (I get cranky without em), gum, pen, inhaler, epi-pen (in case of oranges/pomegranates), mace (in case of person wielding oranges/pomegranates), and occasionally a water bottle.

But a hair brush? Really? Is this 1993? Do these British birds also have scrunchies?

2. Holy shit. Someone thought it would be a GREAT idea to use the metaphor of mowing the lawn for grooming the cho-cha! Seriously. Really. Watch the commercial below. W.T.F. Catchy song? check. Lame actors? check. Pussycat? check. BUSH TRIMMED AS A FREAKING LANDING STRIP? oh check. When I checked to find out if this was the real ad for Shick Quattro For Women TrimStyle with Bikini Trimmer, I was disappointed to (sort of?) learn that this wasn't the REAL commercial. The real commercial can be seen here on this website (which is not much less um...metaphorical as the one below), as well as a quick review...in case you wanna trim your hedges or anything...

Well then. I think I've talked enough about cootertangs for the day. Enjoy!

Its like a dum dum variety pack up in here

2009-04-26T16:28:00.002-05:00

There are too many things that randomly happened recently that are too short to constitute their own posting. Just go with it:

1. Someone on twitter started following me. Their link was http://twitter.com/FindToriNow and before it registered in my pea brain that it was probably about some kid, I actually thought for a second "but...I'm right here...in Pensacola. I mean, I'm not in DC anymore and that may make me fall off the map, but you can call off the twitter search, I really am here of my own free will..." And then I removed myself from my own vanity and realized it was about a little girl in Canada. So...yeah. Go to the twitter. If you see that 8 year old @ reply on twitter to them about it. Yes, that seems rude but I'm trying to help find a missing kid here who happens to share my awesome name.

2. I discovered earlier this week when torturing Mash with the "am I fat?" questions I find oh-too-amusing that he laughs like a tickle me elmo if you get him in the right spot. No freaking lie, I'm sure they recorded my husband's tickle laugh and said "EUREKA! BOYS WE GOT IT! THIS WILL MAKE OUR CREEPY ANIMATRONIC ELMO GOLD!"

3. Mash and I have been watching The Tudors a lot lately. So much so that we actually started discussing more interesting methods of executions. For those who truly pissed off the king: hanging by the neck while being lowered into a vat of acid. Adding insult to injury? Midgets with pinchers on a pole giving the convict purple nurples. Why midgets? Why not.

4. This might be TMI, so avert your eyes if you're not a fan of the hijinx of operating a vajayjay. The other day I was in the shower and needed to shave my...lady bits. I ran out of my normal shave gel and saw Mash's Edge one and for-some-dumb-reason thought it would be a GOOD idea to use it down there. Minty fresh does not begin to describe what it made my cooter feel like. It was all tingly and cool and refreshed feeling. I still cant decide if it was good or bad. However, after I got out of the shower I went to put a tampon in and the damn thing got stuck half in. I couldnt pull it out because the freaking MINTY CHILL had dried it up and caused this freaking thing to be stuck. Of course this is the time that RobBob knocks on the door saying he's ready for his ride to the airport. In a fit of panic I ended up having to use a towel and the wall to get it in. I'm not even going to try to elaborate on that description further. But it got in. And that's the point. My mother found this amusing for some reason.

5. Speaking of my mother, she's pretty l33t and hip with the kids these days. She has an iPhone AND can text coherent sentences on it. (My dad occasionally sends me a letter from his phone and is all proud about the fact that he texted...sigh). Anyway, below is an actual conversation we had via text the other day when I had horrible PMS:

Me: I'm getting my uterus removed. I can just buy kids.
Mom: Consider each day as one less you have to deal with the cramps.
Me: I'm sure that's what they tell prisioners waiting out their sentence. Only replace cramps with rape.
Mom: No uterus tends to dull up one's sex life.
Me: Rape probably doesnt add passion to a convict's either.
Mom: True. But why do you want to decrease your fun with Mash
Me: (obviously having misread earlier texts from her because I was still in prison rape thought mode) Um. Huh? I have a feeling I'd want sex MORE often without a uterus. No worries about any uninvited occupiers!
Mom: Put yourself on gchat
Me: Maybe I dont wanna gchat. Ever think I was comfy in my covers with my iPhone? Suffering from super sleepiness thanks to her uterus?! Im hungry though, might have to move soon.
Mom: Get ip you lazy woman...
Me: I have an IP I just dont want to use it for gchat right now!!
Mom: Boon...
Me: ...is this a new insult I'm unaware of?
Mom: It was supposed to be boo hiss.
Me: Yes. I can see how you would mistype that.

Yep...thats my mother. Used to my antics. Sigh.

Till next time folks.

I had five guys and got wood.

2009-04-26T15:50:00.016-05:00

As you may have noticed, I've changed the look of the blog. I'm happy with it. Alright, now to FINALLY update on the remainder of our trip last week! Sorry its photo heavy, but fuck it, its my blog and I do what I want. Oh, and lets not mention the horrendous grammar of this particular post. My old English teacher might kill me....

Some Highlights:

Husband found a comfy couch at the Georgia welcome center. It had a TV. Said TV had sports on it. Mash seriously asked for me to leave him in Georgia.

In a GAS STATION BATHROOM next to the very classy multiple-flavor-condom-dispenser, was this diddy. Normal hand dryer or bacon-dispensing machine? You tell me.

I FOUND A FIVE GUYS BURGERS AND FRIES! You don't even understand. I fucking love this place and went quite a few times whilst in DC. We drove INTO Atlanta and OUT OF our way to satisfy my craving for Five Guys (yes, I totally meant that play on words, and you know what? Michelle Obama is sneaking five guys on the side as well...)

Met up with brudders. We went to Jillians (the Dave & Busters of yesteryear). Kicked both their asses in Air Hockey. Also defeated Mash and my sister-in-law. I reign supreme as undisputed champ.

Brudder (who left for Iraq this week) decided to play this game to try to win a Wii for biggest brudder and sister-in-law. Its SO much harder than it looks by the picture, and rediculously addictive. Also brudder almost won the Wii 3 times. Kept bonking up on the last row. Which led to the second photo of him threatening the machine with death by barstool.

I was made into a sister sammich.

Now you may be wondering...'wtf is this shit?'. Well my dear readers, its wood. You see, I was taking a nap on the first hour into our trip back to Pensacola from South Carolina, and I wake up and we're pulled over on the side of the road. Being that I'm a normal person, I glanced around looking for the cop. Seeing NOTHING, I ask Mash "um...what's going on?" (as he's putting the car in REVERSE on the shoulder of the highway). His response? "Oh, you're awake? Oh well, I saw some wood on the side of the road and thought I'd get it for our wood pile since we're running low". Me (after pondering for a minute to take this absurdity in): "IN GEORGIA?! You HAVE to pick up wood FROM THE SIDE OF THE ROAD in Georgia?!". Apparently he didn't find this as amusing as I did. He just thought it was pre-cut and why waste a good pile. But yes, only my husband would pull over TWO STATES FROM HOME to collect firewood. Because he's just that environmentally consciencious. When he got back into the car he turned to me and said: "You're not gonna blog about this, are you?"
My reply: "You bet your ass I am."

Note: That wood is still sitting in the back of our Escape.

Happy Friday!

2009-04-24T13:56:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I'm on a posting rampage. I'll be posting the remainder of posts from last week's trip, and some other shiz.

Meanwhile, I leave you with this slice o'happiness.

DANCING DOGS! SALSA dancing dogs! I couldn't decide which was cuter so I posted both.

Alright, alright!

2009-04-22T02:27:00.001-05:00

YES I'm going to post again...tomorrow. The past two days were spent recooperating from the trip and such...and also just being lazy.

Expect a post tomorrow on the following: tickle me elmos, new execution methods (NOW with midgets!), and wood.

Goodnight all.

-- Post From My iPhone

I think they're testing my literacy

2009-04-18T15:34:00.001-05:00

So Mash & I are driving along, and I start singing "get a job, la la la la la la la la la la" which led to us then having a debate as to the true lyrics. I was stumped, he thought it was random "na na na"s, and I couldn't google the matter be cause writing "what is the name of the song that goes la la la la la la la la la la la la la la?" likely won't produce the desired result. So what do we do?

We call my father. He did live it after all, he should know. Well dear pa recalls the song and is fairly certain the lyric actually is "get a job" at which I exclaimed "so you're telling me everytime I've sung that while walking past homeless people I wasn't making it up?!?!!" (note: I'm sure papa was not happy at this revelation, but thank goodness he didn't express it). He then offered to look up the artist online, which led to a longer-than-is-necessary tutoring session to teach him how to find the song on the iTunes store. Once found, I asked "who's the artist?" he mumbles something about how the song was called "get a job, cha na na" an the only real artist he saw was James Taylor. Three minutes later he declared that it was originally performed by the GROUP the Cha Na Nas. "dad, a group IS an artist!!!". Sigh. I love my papa, and definitely admire his willingness to learn new tech.

As a side note, at a rest stop in Alabama the inside of the stall door had LOCK written on it, in case a simple woman like myself was unable to identify the fancy locking equipment on the door.

-- Post From My iPhone

On the road again

2009-04-18T11:57:00.000-05:00

The DC Export is now on the road, exploring parts of our great country. Sort of. Today Mash and I are headed NE, from Pensacola, FL to Columbia, SC. Only a two day trip (considering each way is 8 hours, you'd wonder why we're doing it) but it's for the greater good.

You see, the Export has a good friend finishing up at USC. Also, my brudder was just moved to Ft. Jackson for training prior to his Iraq deployment next week. Brudder and Mash were roommates at the Naval Academy, so it's understandable why he'd want to go see him as badly as I do. Also Big Brudder & his wife are meeting us there to see him off. It's bittersweet times.

Anywho, I plan on updating with the random shit I'm sure to find amusing as we go through 4 states today. Mostly because it gives me a chance to try out this sweet blogpress app on my iPhone!

Till then,

-- Post From My iPhone

Dammit Anthropologie...

2009-04-17T23:14:00.003-05:00

Anthropologie needs to get out of my head! My favorite animal is the Octopus, my favorite color is purple, I've been searching high and low for a good cocktail ring, and SOMEHOW one of my favorite companies has TOTALLY READ MY MIND and made a PURPLE OCTOPUS RING.

Why am I taking Anthro's name in vain? Simply put - its $178 bucks. FOR.A.RING. Yes, I'd probably wear the shit out of it, I'd love it for ever, and its totally a splurge item I can justify due to its just-too-perfect customization to myself. Sigh. But I'll wait it out, because Mash might murder me if I spend that much money without at least discussing it with him first.

CURSE YOU ANTHROPOLOGIE FOR KNOWING YOUR CONSUMER TOO WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously? That happened?

2009-04-17T22:40:00.003-05:00

Why is it that every time I go to McGuire's (a local steakhouse/brewery in Pensacola) I have some sort of crazy story to tell afterward?

A Case Study, from March 15-Apr 17 2009 (yes I was able to pinpoint the first visit for this study, that's what GOOD researchers do):

Situation Uno - Dinner with Mash (aka Husband), RobBob (aka Bro-in-Law), and CoolJ (my writing partner) on a busy Sunday night. Our waiter seemed to be very strongly suggesting we eat the pork chops. The conversation went as follows:

Waiter Eric: May I suggest the pork chops to you?
Table: (each person says no)
Waiter Eric: (looks at me with desperation in his eyes) Are you sure? They're very good pork chops, I highly recommend them.
Me: Um...yeah, definitely been thinking about this dinner for the past two hours and I'm pretty set on the prime rib.
Waiter Eric: (hesitating) um...ok then.

After that point it was approximately 8-10 minutes between every table visit. Seeing as I drink pretty quickly this was unacceptable. Then CoolJ pointed out to me that perhaps I should consider that McGuire's is ruled by the iron fist of Molly McGuire. We then spent 15 minutes riffing about how waiter Eric was being beaten by Molly's rolling pin every time he went in the kitchen for not upselling the pork chops. It then progressed to an idea for a skit that CoolJ and I are now writing that ends with Waiter Eric crying in his shower fully clothed while repeating 'Pork Chops' over and over and Molly McGuire then pulls him out of the shower and gives him a swirlie. Seriously, this is the stuff we come up with when left to our own devices at dinner...

Case Study #2 - Nothing too eventful here; just that Belle, her sister and I met a cool guy at the free drinks night (Thursday) and the evening progressed to us visiting a strip club (where I convinced Elle's sister to put a doller in her mouth and have the stripper remove it with her boobies ) and then a bit of Whataburger from across the street to wash it down. Yes, this evening was high class.

Case Study #3 - Again Ladies Drink Free Thursday night...last night. We sat at a table so we could gobble some grub. Then we realized our potential party of 8 (2 were running late) would NOT fit at the table for 6 we had, so I decided to discuss this with the waiter. *ahem*

Me: Sir, we were just notified that two more of our friends are coming and obviously there isn't enough room in this booth, is there anyway we could work this out so we could accomodate that?
Waiter Corey: Nope. You're all just going to have to scooch in.
Me: So then I guess I'm just going to have to not tip you.
Waiter Corey: (shocked I tell you, shocked) I'm sorry?
Me: Sorry, its just that I don't know how to remedy the situation and felt it best to bring it up to you BEFORE it becomes a problem, I would hope you'd respect that.
Waiter Corey: (still backpedeling from previous asshole comment) Yeah, I dont know either, I'll go ask my manager..............

And with that he got his answer, we got a bigger table, and yes I did tip him. But seriously, that happened? Just a wee bit bizarre for a waiter to be so...assholish.

Stay tuned, perhaps I'll have some other bizarre experience there again soon...

On a side note...Mash and RobBob are now strumming on their guitars to some song called "What Would Willie Nelson Do?" which is really making me miss the old days of toking grass and munchis. Le sigh.

So I've decided...

2009-04-17T22:31:00.003-05:00

I'm now going to start blogging...consistently. I know my promises in the past would lead you to believe that I'll just backtrack on this promise too, but really I'm keeping it this time. Lets pretend this is a binding contract between us, that I'll update on days other then Friday...

And how will I do this you may ask? Simply by altering what I cover. Initially it was going to be beauty/fashion related, but now I think I'll cover all of it. My life. That's what a blog is about right?

Alrighty then...here we go!

Snort Included

2009-02-05T23:47:00.003-06:00

I swear videos like this were created solely to get me to snort milk through my nose as I chomp down on Oreos.

Hopefully this gives your Friday a happy little kick, eh?

Another one for the list!

2009-02-03T02:33:00.000-06:00

Oh the ways I love EavesdropDC. They post the overheard conversations (usually of tourists) in and around DC. On occasion I'm caught off-guard by the ludicrousness of the lack of education of some of our citizens (ie. 'where's the food court on the mall? You mean its just a patch of grass and not a real mall!?') but today was not one of those days. Today was a posting of a phrase I am going to attempt to incorporate into my life somehow:

" Bolt Bus driver pulling into rest stop between NYC and DC 2/1/09:
'Okay, people. You get 15 minutes. I am a divorced man. I tell you that so you know I'll leave you, too.' "

Read the rest of this post...
I'm adding that to my list of phrases. Another current favorite being one filed carefully into my mental Rolodex for future use with my kids when they scream the 'he/she started it!' game is "NO, I started it (insert age number here) years ago in a moment of passion and I'll end it the same way if you don't stop it now!"

Yes, this post was lacking in my usual wit, but I'll name the culprit to that one to this story I'm (haphazardly) writing. I'm stuck mid-way through and hit the 'wall'. That and a snoring puppy (who knew puppies could snore THAT loud? seriously, I thought a tornado was touching down!). Alas, back to writing I go!

(via EavesdropDC.)

Aw damn this takes me back...

2009-02-03T01:20:00.000-06:00

When I see things like this, it makes me wish I was a kid again. I remember the days when I would crawl into an old box a la Snoopy and pretend to be a fighter pilot taking on the Red Baron! Now for a mere $50 duckets you can get your very own customizable trip down memory lane.

Here in our house we're planning on purchasing this for our nephew for his 4th birthday later this year. We're going to paint it his favorite color and write his name on the side. When we give it to him, our plan is to let him do the rest of the decorative painting himself. It certainly looks to be hours of fun for an active, imaginative kid!

If only we all had been so lucky to have our cardboard boxes match what our imagination dreams them to be! Kids today...

You can purchase the cardboard airplane or other cardboard imagination stations at Cardboardesign.

Ruv Ruv Ruv!

2008-10-17T19:52:00.001-05:00

So I must confess, I've been searching for a pair of respectable suspendered pants (a la Ms. Bradshaw circa season 6 w/Berger) at an affordable cost for a while now, and I may have stumbled upon the winner. No, they're not high waisted. No, they're not black, but they're pretty versitile and on sale at Chickdowntown.com for $93.50 (AND I got an email coupon for an extra 20% off!). But the real question is wearability...what shoes would you pair with this?

Another pair of affordable suspendered pants to choose from (in black!) and some accessorizing speculation...

Here's another respectively priced pair o' pantelones-con-suspenders from Victorias Secret. These clock in at $78 bucks (on sale too...). Hrmm...which would you pick?

As for shoes...wedges? Heels? I'm all about tucking in a slightly oversized blouse and carrying a simple clutch, but I'm stuck on the shoes question!

We shall see if I give into my suspendered desires...

NARS wants you to wrap it up for the Holidays!

2008-10-17T19:32:00.000-05:00

Ah, just in time for the holidays! Why give just any old makeup gift set to the women in your life when you can them a date night supply pack!?! NARS (one of my favorite beauty buys) has come out with 2 great "Safe" sets this fall - the 'Safer Set' and the 'Safest Set'. Both include their fabulous Multiple in Orgasm (such an all time flattering shade, btw) and some sort of prophylactic. Best of all, these sets raise money for Amfar!

Read more...If you're of the variety to encourage abstinence to your pals, then you'll want to go with the 'Safest Set' which has a convenient little black book that lists all of the ways you can say 'no' to your wannabe lover to let them down easy.

More of the pre-marital 'sexy time' variety? Well NARS has you covered there too with their 'Safer Set' which comes with 2 condoms to encourage you to have safe sex if you're going to do it.

I really admire NARS for coming up with these kits, especially the 2 seperate ideas (and their appropriate names!). With all of the STDs and unwanted pregnancies out there today you really need to practice safe sex or no sex, and I'm glad to see a major company such as NARS take a stand like this to educate properly.

Beauty for a Cause:
A portion of the sale benefits Amfar programs to promote global safe sex education initiatives.

NARS 'Safer Set' $37 at Sephora
NARS 'Safest Set' $37 at Sephora

Battle of the Brides

2008-10-17T19:28:00.000-05:00

Ok, so personally I'm not that big of a chick flick fan, but something about this trailer makes me want to get out and see this movie. Sure, the end will inevitably be the two girls realizing their friendship is more important than a stupid wedding and we'll all cry and hug and feel fuzzy, but I'm more attracted to the hijinx this film promises. I also might really want to see it because Kate Hudson looks more like her mom than ever and I miss those good ol days of her in comedies...Anyone else intrigued?

This is going on my fridge...

2008-10-17T19:25:00.000-05:00

Oh Garfield Minus Garfield, how I heart thee.

Beauty Trials - Origins 'Peace of Mind'

2008-10-10T14:18:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel uptight and a little tense? Got a headache? Anxiety? Then you definitely want to try out Origins 'Peace of Mind'. This lotion is meant to be dabbed in little doses to the back of your neck, your temples, and earlobes (yeah I thought it was an odd spot too...), you breathe deeply, and it brings you to relaxation.

Big bonus (as it is October and Breast Cancer Awareness Month), Origins is donating $35,000 to The Breast Cancer Research Foundation from sales of Peace of Mind® On-the-spot relief sold in North America.

But does it work? Check out my review...

I was feeling a little stressed out when I tried this out, I had been working on a paper all day for mid-terms and needed a little 'me' time. I dabbed this product on a few minutes ago after applying my new hair treatment from Lush that I'm trying out (more on that later). I applied to the back of neck, temples, and earlobes as instructed...a few seconds later I felt a cooling sensation all over! I kid you not, this product helped me breathe in deeper and relax (which is why I rushed to my laptop to share my experience!). It is definitely going with me in my purse from now on to help me relax in future situations.

The scent? Not strong, but its slightly lavender-y if I had to pick an herb. A small little dab will do ya, so the .5 oz bottle should last for several months! I'm definitely going to continue using this product, and recommend you all to get it!

Overall: 10 out of 10
A product that relaxes you in this high-stress world AND benefits breast cancer? Definite buy!

You can purchase Origins 'Peace of Mind' at Origins website here for $10.

Beauty Trials - The Epilator

2008-10-09T17:39:00.000-05:00

Ladies, to your left you are looking at the Braun Silk X'Elle Epilation Shaver available at your local Target for a whopping $74.99 (that's right, beauty is expensive...but this may just be a bargain compared to waxings/razors!).

What is an epilator? The simplest explanation is that an epilator is the effectiveness of waxing/tweezing combined with an electric razor.

When initially researching which one I would try out for my beauty trial, I noticed that all customer reviews on each separate product seemed to equate this little guy with some sort of medieval torture device. Curious, as these were the same reviews giving these products 3+ stars out of 5! Here's an excerpt of one of my favorite ones:

"...I thought that since I wax it will not be as painful, well I was wrong. This thing hurts more than I could have ever imagined, it felt as if the skin was being ripped out of my body...I'm dreading having to use it again but it did such a great job removing every last bit of hair that I will give it another chance and I've never felt my armpits as smooth as I did after I used it."

Almost every review was on par with this one. With so many women complaining of the unbelievable pain inflicted upon them by this device but insisting they'd use it again due to the results, I just had to try it out!

Check out my review

I'm not gonna lie, this little bugger HURTS...at first. Part of it may have been apprehension from reading the reviews, some of it from feeling my leg hair ripped out from the root, but it really was uncomfortable at first. But I will say this - this thing WORKS. My legs are smoother than after a wax! I had one day's worth of stubble and it didnt have any problems picking up the hairs (a big downside to waxing is waiting for enough growth for it...). I especially like the added light on it as it helps you identify where you need a touch-up.

The product boasts that results last for up to 4 weeks...I'd say you'd definitely get 2-3 full hair-free weeks with it. Below I've posted some tips that I've found helpful for me while using it, but I definitely endorse and recommend this product!

Tips:
- GO SLOW (seriously, really slow, almost inching-up-the-leg-slow)
- Epilate in the opposite direction of hair growth (self-explanitory, but had to be said)
- Pulling the skin taught does alleviate some of the pain (which does decrease a great deal as you use it)
- The first week I recommend using it once a day, as hair growth goes in different cycles and its in your best interest to stay on top of it for the first week if you're going to get a solid 2 weeks hair free! (and the pain for these touch ups is almost unnoticeable)
- Stop every once in a while and really clean out the epilator head! (no need to have to keep going over the same patch because the blade is gunked up with your hairs!)
- A once-a-week touch-up is advisable for upkeep. I've found that through that I haven't had to have another 'first time' experience with the amount of hair being tweezed out since!

Overall Rating: 9 out of 10
(only because it hurts like the dickens the first time! But the results are definitely worth a 10)

Till next time....

Well Hello There...

2008-10-09T17:27:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the first post of 'DC Export'!!!

Why 'DC Export'? Well, I lived a fun and exciting life in our Nations Capitol, enjoying many grand times. There were single gal times, heartaches, exploration of the city, and a lot of personal growth done. This past August I packed my bags and moved with my Beau to his new location of Pensacola, FL. Personally, I'm missing the District somethin' fierce! The life, the culture!!! Le sigh, there's always visits (and there will be many). So on to my blog...

Here at DCE I aim to provide a fun blog full of life and style advice; be it beauty buzz, movie news, style schtuff, news of the motherland (DC), and so on. I'm sure this blog will grow and have a life of its own one day, but until then I am in control and I'm your DC Gal!

Hope you enjoy what's to come!

DC Export

Been a little busy...

Thoughts from a Pedicure chair

This is what happens when you forget to hit "Publish"

Oy so much!

The 3 P's & How They've Changed

Sticks & stones may break bones, but an xbox is also effective

Back to Blogging.

Spring Cleaning

Guuurrrll you betta stop!

shite.shite.shite.

The Day The Music Died.

Taking a break from my blogging vacation

Told ya

Boo hoo y'all! (a personal note)

Poor Mash

Happy Friday!

Creeper

Get in the Jalopy!

Shit Hot

Copycat whaaaat?

Oh the woes of being a woman...

Its like a dum dum variety pack up in here

I had five guys and got wood.

Happy Friday!

Alright, alright!

I think they're testing my literacy

On the road again

Dammit Anthropologie...

Seriously? That happened?

So I've decided...

*Snort* Included

Another one for the list!

Aw damn this takes me back...

Ruv Ruv Ruv!

NARS wants you to wrap it up for the Holidays!

Battle of the Brides

This is going on my fridge...

Beauty Trials - Origins 'Peace of Mind'

Beauty Trials - The Epilator

Well Hello There...

Snort Included