I will get around to posting our birth story, but as we just got home last night I am zombiefied & unable to write more than this humdinger of an update.

Asher Glendon Sproat was born at 16:16 on Nov 10, 2010 after 39 hours of labor. He weighed 8lbs 1.3oz, was 21in long, and had a 13inch round head (which was AFTER his plates had moved to get him through the canal...geesh!).

He is perfect.
I did not know I could love such a tiny thing so much!
Matt & I are so happy/tired/frustrated from being tired/learning. But mostly we are in love.

And it's just the beginning.



-- Post From My iPhone

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The fabulous and amazing Matt suggested that since I've been complaining how difficult it is to paint my toes, and what a tragedy it would be to have chipping polish on them when delivering, that I get to the spa. Imagine my elation when I realized that I can TOTALLY WRITE A BLOG POST WHILE GETTING A PEDICURE!!

I don't know why every blogger doesn't make the pedicure chair their writing place.

And you bet your ass that when I went to pick my polish & saw the new OPI Burlesque collection that I "accidentally" shoved the 10 yr old spying the color I wanted out of the way with my belly. Whoopsie!

At least I'm using my human manufacturing status to it's advantage finally, even if it is the final DAYS of pregnancy.

Final. Days. Of. Pregnancy.
Sometime in the next few days, I will be a MOM. Holy. Crap. It's really setting in. As scary as the prospect is, there's a certain calming relief knowing that we have a medically sanctioned end date, should he not show up before then. I'm actually relaxing, for the first time in weeks! I'm enjoying people watching & not obsessing every minute about OMGWHATOTHERNATURALINDUCTIONMETHODSARETHERE and WHYISNTHEHEREIWANTTOHOLDHIMNOWNOWNOW!!

It's just nice to be in the happy place. In fact, I don't cry anymore after every call/text/tweet/fb message asking if the baby is here yet. It's annoying, yes. But it's also comforting to know that me/baby/matt are so loved. I've stopped myself from thinking my body is a suck machine for not producing the child yet, and started being comforted by the happy vibes coming our way.

Our whole life changes sometime in the next few days. "We" will become three.



-- Post From My iPhone

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I sat down to write a post today about how I'm now 3 days overdue and our doc scheduled an induction for November 10th (Marine Corps Birthday, for those of you playing along) as a fail-safe. It was going to be a post about the relief of knowing there's an official end date in sight. But noooooo, I just had to flake out when I wrote a post on the 1st and forget to hit "publish".

So you readers will just have to suck it up and enjoy my now-published-previously-unpublished post. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll update more later. Maybe.

Enjoy
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Halloween!

We thought munchkin would be here by now. We were all prepared and set for it. The doc was SURE that my gestational diabetes would have kicked him out pre-halloween, but I guess since I've been able to manage this bugger with diet/exercise I'm just as healthy as a normal pregnant woman. That, and this kid really likes his wombpartment. Can't say I blame him, if I saw an ad on craigslist for a place with free utilities, a constant comfy temp (regardless of outside weather), and free food, I'd be all about it.

So as my hubs and I came to accept that this child would not be joining us on the outside pre-halloween, we realized we were costumeless to go see our friends in Rocky Horror! On the audience costume contest night, no less! TRAVESTY!

So I snuck over to the theater and was kindly given permission by a costumer to borrow a set of costumes.

Now, when you're so pregnant that you pretty much live in sweatpants/tshirts, your options for halloween are limited. Especially on a short notice scenario. However, I made a list of things any pregnant woman could be for Halloween. (Note: a mommy blogger I follow asked for ideas for maternity halloween costumes, and I was DISAPPOINTED that not one of my suggestions made her list. I mean, really. She listed "be a speed bump" or "paint your tummy". You're pregnant. HAVE FUN WITH IT!). Anyway, my list:
- Jabba the Hut - Matt would have gone as Han Solo or Slave Leia. He wanted Solo, to which I replied that he could ONLY if I could freeze him in carbonite. So obviously this lead to a Mexican standoff at high noon in our house, as he enjoys movement of his body...and living (apparently because this whole "carbonite" thing isn't perfected yet, he didn't trust me to create it with an at-home chemistry set. Probably for the best.).
- Juno/16 & Pregnant Girl- 2 sides to play with here. On the Juno side you could do a couples costume and hubs could wear the super-ball-clenching short gym shorts. On the 16/Pregnant side hubs would have to be all Maury-level-cray-cray.
- Shotgun Bride - Obvious. Fun. Easy. Bonus points if you mud up the bridal gown and carry around beer cans all night
- I-Didnt-Know-I-Was-Pregnant Girl - This is fun. Wear normal clothes, pretend to drink, complain of pregnancy-esque symptoms, say you're just getting fat, deny deny deny every logical part of your life saying you're not preggo, and hang a preggo test from your necklace (preferrably a positive one, just to show what a dumbass you are for making it 9 months without knowing), and then start withering in pain and say "I think its my appendix! Or a kidney stone!".

Seeing as Matt didn't want to do any of the above or the costume pieces weren't super easy to find in the costume closet we went with the next best thing...

Happy Halloween Everyone!

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Lots to update on now that I'm 39 weeks & still pregnant. We (including the doc) were sure that my gestational diabetes (which was a real kick in the twat to get diagnosed with) would have produced labor by now. Alas, my son is a proud mamas boy afraid of change.

This post is brief, but here's what is coming up in the next few days (I have to do something to keep me busy while still incubating):
-my mom sent me my birth story. I mean, I've heard it before, but not like this. Really neat
-child abuse jokes ARE funny regardless of what uptight broads on Facebook may say. Because they're jokes. Obviously. (this message approved by my favorite lesbian)
-HOLY CRAP I'M STILL PREGNANT! Have. Tried. Everything. Some days I'm ok with this, others I have mental breakdowns
-Halloween maternity ideas (since I'm now totally believing I'll be pregnant forever)
-My husband is hilarious

So that's all for now. I'm going to (attempt) sleep for the night & resist the urge to clean. True story: I let rooms get dirty so when the last weeks were upon me I could clean. Too bad I tire out fast now.

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There was a time when the 3 P's of my life were Pizza, Pot, & Porn. That was a typical Saturday night with my closest friends. Now my 3 P's are Panic, imPatience, & Pain. With growing up comes responsibility. Not that I'm complaining-my current P's are a part of the greatest journey I'll ever take, leading me down a path that I'm so excited for.

Panic -
Holy-crap-we're-gonna-be-parents-in-less-than-6-weeks-shit-shit-shit (that about sums it up.) Between making sure our bags are packed, all the basic necessities are purchased & here, putting things (mostly) where they need to be, cleaning/organizing the house, etc...well, things get a little hectic.

On top of all of that, it's just becoming much more real. Soon I'll go through labor & delivery (and all the stuff that comes with that...), and then the more scary part-bringing munchkin home! With all of this becoming less of an idea and more of a reality I'm doing a lot more soul searching/deep thinking. Not sure how good that is for me...ha!

imPatience -
I've had my days (here at 34 weeks) where I just can't wait till he's here. Matt & I want to meet him so badly! I want my body back. I miss the occasional glass of bourbon. I know the last two are so selfish, and I feel somewhat guilty about it.

Mostly, I just want to be this little one's mommy. I want to hold him against my chest, smell his hair, and kiss his forehead. To hear him breathe as he sleeps & finally see if he sleeps outside the womb just like he does inside it (with his little hands covering his face). I'm growing impatient because I know he's (almost) fully grown & so look forward to sharing the parenting moments with Matt! To have baby on the outside, so Matt can experience the child's growth (like I'm doing now) will be so wonderful. I want so badly for Matt to be able to experience this too.

Pain -
I am now a slow moving, back aching, waddling mess.
All normal, I know. But still annoying. Waking every 2 hours to pee. Taking an extra 10 seconds to bend/straighten up because the baby is making his way into my pelvis, thus spreading my hips & making my lower back stiff. Having to roll over frequently because the last position became uncomfortable. Not to mention the fact that kiddo enjoys stretching himself all the way out at the expense of my ribs (with his feet) and pelvis (he ACTUALLY pets my pelvis with his hands...it feels uber weird).

I've found coping mechanisms for all the aches & pains, the greatest of them being that every little ache means we're closer to meeting our son. That thought makes it all worthwhile.


I think that sums up the third trimester pretty well thus far. Clothing really starts to not fit, you slow down & hurt, you want baby to come asap but at the same time don't because it means the real hard journey of parenting begins. A huge mixed bag of emotions, y'all. The best part is knowing that (in God's time) our son will be here. We're in for a real treat there!


Those old P's that were a part of my adolescence? I don't miss them anymore.

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This weekend I tried to kick my own ass. Cause, ya know, being 6 months pregnant isn't sore enough.

Saturday I was attempting to help Matt go through old boxes & decide what to keep/give away/trash. He tends to bond with his past objects, so he needs the help with minimizing. With this kid coming like a freight train, we need as few storage items as possible!

So I helped him by coldly tossing a lot of old treasures in the giveaway box. He fought it, as I would if I were him, but the rationale won out. However, he let me know I was ruthless. Then I went through my boxes.

There was my first generation xbox. Ahhh the fun times we had together. But, we don't need it. So I began lifting it out of the box, full intention to sell/give it away, and it slips from my fingers and onto my foot.

Xboxes are surprisingly painful. I need to remember that, should someone break in.

Then Sunday came. All normal until I ran around the coffee table, stepped on the dog bed (which is on hardwood) and bit it. I guess I hit the ground harder than I thought because Matt was quite concerned.

After an initial assessment of myself (I caught myself & fell on my side, breaking my fall with my hands/face/the rug), I knew I hadn't injured the baby at all. Once I expressed this rationally to Matt, the hormones took over & I bawled over my clumsiness for at least 15 minutes. Matt called my mom (a nurse) to confirm my rationalization, but I wouldn't talk to get because I felt I was "too hormonal" (yes, I said that).

We calmed down and grabbed the baby listener to check on Uno. He usually is inactive at the time I fell, so we just wanted to hear his heartbeat. Apparently pressing the listener against him pissed him off, because he kicked/punched/moved every way possible to let us know he disliked all the ruckus. I was never more proud. :)

Today, I'm a little sore, but fine. My cheekbone looks like I had a bad implant done. It's amusing. I had lunch with a girlfriend today who earned herself some UDIs (unidentified drunken injuries) this past weekend & we looked like female boxers commiserating. We got a kick out of it, even if the mommies in panera were giving us concerned looks as if they needed to contact a battered women's shelter. That's all that matters.

I now leave you with this morning's photographic evidence that I went toe to toe with Hilary Swank (the name of our living room rug).


Not the best lighting, but the swelling is obvious. Can't wait for the bruising to set in!

I now will finally publicly confess: I'm a klutz. At least my kid is one tough, expressive nugget.

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For real this time. I'm really back.
See? I'm writing things on my blog again.

I'm 23 weeks pregnant as of now. It's starting to really set in that in 13-17 weeks, a medical professional will extract this thing from my uterus & let us bring it home to raise. Um...that's scary.

Up till now, I haven't really shown. Not anymore, because baby Uno has made himself nice and prominent. My feet and I are enjoying our last few weeks of seeing each other until this whole thing passes. We also finished the baby registry, which is a HUGE relief!

The biggest debate we're currently having are names. You'd think this whole naming thing would be easy, but it's kind of stressful. I mean, this kid is stuck with that name its WHOLE life (unless it goes to the courts to change it, but still). This is the first thing we could fuck our kid up with, no pressure. It's difficult to name someone you haven't met, someone you'll spend the rest of your life fretting over, someone who currently enjoys Mortal-Kombat-Style punching your cervix...
Anywho, Our Top 6 Name Contenders are:
-Asher
-Dylan
-Glendon
-Harrison
-Judah
-Luke

Thoughts? Tomorrow we have another OB appointment. This will be the one where my doctor tells me I'll be getting my glucose test done real soon (oh yey). That's a whole other adventure.

It's amazing how my life in the span of only a few months has changed so much. Instead of reading lots of tech blogs, I'm now adding in lots of mommy blogs and obsessively reading books on birthing/breastfeeding/child rearing. I am no longer grossed out by bodily functions and can speak freely of them (conversations with girlfriends about the FUN times of finding colostrum on your nipples...). Now every meal I eat, I think of what nutrition baby has not gotten today. Every shopping trip I think "do I really need that item? how could that benefit babito instead?". My make-up routine is much simpler. I am now a light sleeper (something I never EVER thought would happen). Life is changing, and Uno isn't even here yet.

I even notice my husband changing.

I'm becoming a mommy.

...This is scary.


















But TOTALLY worth it.

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So Matt and I started cleaning out our spare room this weekend, as a preparation for it to become our new nursery.

...oh yeah...I'm pregnant. Forgot to mention that on this blog...so...now you know.
Also? I'll be 14 weeks this Wednesday.
Pregnancy sucks in the best way possible - the nausea, sore back, incredible dementia-level forgetfulness, cravings, boobs that hurt like they just finished a boxing match, learning about baby needs/gear/etc-its for the best, because this little person will be joining us in a few months and we'll be taking on this incredible journey together as a family.

Back to the nursery. So we're moving all of these boxes out and going through them, sorting if it's keep/toss/giveaway worthy. As we're doing that, Matt finds a huge stack of papers from his college days-including tests. Turns out, my husband took a course on plays and got a little snarky on his Finals extra credit questions...why? Because he was clueless (yes, I realize how ironic this is, that he'd end up marrying me-a theater freak). The answers were so clever, they must be shared.

My husband's brilliant comedic skills began early on:
I know this is hard to read, so here's the translation-
1. Where did George Cram Cook die?
- In Bancroft Hall, of excessive finals. (Editor's Note: Bancroft Hall was one of the halls of his college)

2. What could not be bought, "not even for ready money"?
- Virginity

3. What caused the Globe Theater to burn down?
- The Puritan reformers, under Cromwell, burnt it down as a house of fornication.

Teacher's Comment (the green writing at the bottom of the photo):
"You just wanted an excuse to write 'virginity' and 'fornication' on a final, didn't you?"

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Obviously, all of these are wrong, but they were extra credit questions (even if they were so easy to answer...I mean, come on-Cromwell was dead well before the Globe burnt down!). But I applaud my husband for having the cojones to write something other than "I don't know"!

I hope our child inherits this awesomeness from their daddy. :)

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I was about to go to bed. Then I read this excerpt from Kitty Kelly's new Oprah biography, quoted from an interview with Oprah's aunt/cousin/sellout-family-member, Katharine Carr:

"Now, you have to understand that I love Oprah, and I love all the good work she does for others, but I do not understand the lies that she tells. She's been doing it for years now.

Where Oprah got that nonsense about growing up in filth and roaches, I have no idea. (Oprah's grandmother) kept a spotless house…It was a wooden, six-room house with a large living room that had a fireplace and rocking chair.

Oh, I've talked to her about this over the years. I've confronted her and asked 'Why do you tell such lies?' Oprah told me, 'That's what people want to hear. The truth is boring, Aunt Katharine. People don't want to be bored. They want stories with drama.

That story [of sexual abuse] helped launch Oprah and make her what she is today…I don't hold with telling lies, but in this case I forgive Oprah because she has done so much for other people. Maybe this was the only way for a poor child to succeed and become rich. Now she does her good works to make her amends.

Oprah does not love her mother at all…She gives her a great deal financially but she does not give her the respect and affection a daughter should, and that bothers me. Vernita did the best she could with Oprah, who was a willful, runaway child."

I do not care who you are, you do NOT speak ill against Oprah! She taught me how to pluck my eyebrows properly (a valuable lesson as an awkward teen who messed it up...a lot...because we didn't have beauty blogs on the internets to teach us back then!). Even if she did lie, keep your trap SHUT. This woman makes a real difference; she can pick the president, imagine what she can do to people who piss her off...

-- Post From My iPhone

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(Like how I self edited there? Yeah, you totally get that I meant shit, but shite is more dignified...or something...screw it, I just realized I hadn't blogged in ALMOST a year. A FRIGGIN YEAR)

New things:
- Matt's dog still wants me dead (I'm sure of it)
- Today I was introduced to my new favorite word: Redicunt (definition: its so ridiculous, its cunty too...)
- My husband trolls craigslist for wood...(firewood, you gutter minded a-holes)
- I actually suggested that Matt create a personal ad on craigslist - man seeking wood, must be flammable and can fit in my Escape
- Also, tonight I learned the difference between a mosquito and a mosquito hawk through Matt's interpretive dance...I cant make this shit up
- I got entirely too upset with Turbo Tax today...like, Gary Busey level upset. I threatened to pull its endocrine system out.

There's more, but that should suffice for one posting, you information-seeking hounds!

I shall leave you with two things: a) a conversation between Matt and I tonight; and b) THE BEST AUDITION FOR A PORN EVER

Conversation:
Me: Hey, wanna have sex on the couch?
(Matt walks away all happy with a hop in his step, turns around and sprints back to me)
Matt: Um...when you say 'sex on the couch', do you mean NOW or later? Because I need to
know when to take off my shoes...
(I then laugh so hard its impossible to even consider it now)

Porn Singing Auditions:

I'm not sure if I should be impressed or deeply saddened by how many people don't know the words. Oh, and you, Mr. Creepy-wanna-be-Chris-Farley, I'm definitely into you. I seriously am pre-ordering this from Amazon...or Pornazon, whoever gets it first.

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