This was just too absurd to not post...
Hope everyone is having a great week! I'm in Baltimore at the moment, heading back south this weekend. My life is oh so exciting.

Also...um...they really felt the need to use the 'tree' metaphor multiple times? Oy. I remember having sex once with a guy who was perfectly shaved down there, it was like humping a porcupine. And while the tree might look taller, it certainly makes your mate feel like she's Mary Kay Laternou. So, if you girl is into that sort of thing...um...call Chris Matthews and the whole 'Predator' crew, cause that's just effed up.

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First on our illustrious agenda today:

Some Recent Fark headlines with 'Florida' tags (I live for these, almost as much as I live for IceT scenes in Law & Order SVU) because this crazy shit only happens in this insane state:
-Man finishes jail sentence, steps out and takes a breath of air as a free man, and then is promptly run over by a police cruiser
- Today's Fark-ready headline: "Sex-Doll Threesome Man Gets Off". Giggity
- Lingerie football league to begin playing in Fort Lauderdale. John Madden to come out of retirement to call games. WHOA LOOK AT THAT HOLE
- Nine people shot, one fatally, at block party remembering neighbors lost to violence. So...party next month?
- Teachers pose topless for calendar spread to raise money for cancer research. Hilarity ensues
- With budget impasse still unresolved, legislature debates whether new Christian license plate should have stained glass, cross or Jesus Chainsaw Massacre displayed
- *Ding Dong* "Who is it?" "Land Gator" "Oh, Charles, are you pretending to be that awful Land ... OH MY GOD NOOOOO"
- And then there's that special level of stupid for those people who run stop signs, while smoking joints, carrying 209 pot plants in open back seat of car

Which brings me to WHY I'm posting that. You see, I awoke this morning to find this little diddy via a local newspapers Twitter (headline word for word): "Woman arrested for stabbing priest"
Say WHAT?! You can't give me a headline like that for some crazy shit happening in Florida and have this pathetic squalor of a article! I mean, shit! You spent TWO WHOLE PAGES discussing Florida's Elite Mother-of-the-Year candidate for bringing a Gun & Knife to school on the 10 yr anniversary of Columbine (who you still couldn't 'confirm' that she was demonstrating in connection to the Columbine events y'all), but only 2 friggin paragraphs on someone going all stabby on a man of the cloth? WHAT has Florida come to?! For such a crazy religious state (see loverly proposed Florida licence plates with half-dead Jesus on them above) you'd think they would take some time to elaborate on what happened. Why it happend. What did the Rev eat that morning? Shit that you covered in Dipshit-of-the-Week's article, but not in this one. I say of-the-week because I know this state well enough by now to know that there will be a new reigning champ shortly.

...sorry for ranting, local reporting is whack y'all.



In other news I can't get the following two songs out of my head. Its like a gnome has taken up residence in there and is spinning his favorite two songs. STEVE ILL GET YOU ONE OF THESE DAYS!!

...um...yeah. Anyway, the first is Kanye West/Kid Cudi/Common's take on Lady Gaga's Poker Face. Phenoms.


And this is "Im Freaky" by Flight of the Conchords...I'm not gonna lie I've been singing this to Mash all weekend. Because you see, that's what I do when I actually have an entire weekend with husband, I sing absurd songs about how his wife is freaky and wants to make 2 life-size cutouts of our bodies and then pose them into sensual positions, or how he should go outside and get some leaves and pretend to be a tree and ill pretend to be a squirrel and steal his nuts from him...did I mention that I say these things to him while using Brett's falsetto voice? I totally do.

I feel like we're all getting closer already dear readers!



Happy Monday!

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Why is it that every time I go to McGuire's (a local steakhouse/brewery in Pensacola) I have some sort of crazy story to tell afterward?

A Case Study, from March 15-Apr 17 2009 (yes I was able to pinpoint the first visit for this study, that's what GOOD researchers do):

Situation Uno - Dinner with Mash (aka Husband), RobBob (aka Bro-in-Law), and CoolJ (my writing partner) on a busy Sunday night. Our waiter seemed to be very strongly suggesting we eat the pork chops. The conversation went as follows:

Waiter Eric: May I suggest the pork chops to you?
Table: (each person says no)
Waiter Eric: (looks at me with desperation in his eyes) Are you sure? They're very good pork chops, I highly recommend them.
Me: Um...yeah, definitely been thinking about this dinner for the past two hours and I'm pretty set on the prime rib.
Waiter Eric: (hesitating) um...ok then.

After that point it was approximately 8-10 minutes between every table visit. Seeing as I drink pretty quickly this was unacceptable. Then CoolJ pointed out to me that perhaps I should consider that McGuire's is ruled by the iron fist of Molly McGuire. We then spent 15 minutes riffing about how waiter Eric was being beaten by Molly's rolling pin every time he went in the kitchen for not upselling the pork chops. It then progressed to an idea for a skit that CoolJ and I are now writing that ends with Waiter Eric crying in his shower fully clothed while repeating 'Pork Chops' over and over and Molly McGuire then pulls him out of the shower and gives him a swirlie. Seriously, this is the stuff we come up with when left to our own devices at dinner...

Case Study #2 - Nothing too eventful here; just that Belle, her sister and I met a cool guy at the free drinks night (Thursday) and the evening progressed to us visiting a strip club (where I convinced Elle's sister to put a doller in her mouth and have the stripper remove it with her boobies ) and then a bit of Whataburger from across the street to wash it down. Yes, this evening was high class.

Case Study #3 - Again Ladies Drink Free Thursday night...last night. We sat at a table so we could gobble some grub. Then we realized our potential party of 8 (2 were running late) would NOT fit at the table for 6 we had, so I decided to discuss this with the waiter. *ahem*

Me: Sir, we were just notified that two more of our friends are coming and obviously there isn't enough room in this booth, is there anyway we could work this out so we could accomodate that?
Waiter Corey: Nope. You're all just going to have to scooch in.
Me: So then I guess I'm just going to have to not tip you.
Waiter Corey: (shocked I tell you, shocked) I'm sorry?
Me: Sorry, its just that I don't know how to remedy the situation and felt it best to bring it up to you BEFORE it becomes a problem, I would hope you'd respect that.
Waiter Corey: (still backpedeling from previous asshole comment) Yeah, I dont know either, I'll go ask my manager..............

And with that he got his answer, we got a bigger table, and yes I did tip him. But seriously, that happened? Just a wee bit bizarre for a waiter to be so...assholish.

Stay tuned, perhaps I'll have some other bizarre experience there again soon...

On a side note...Mash and RobBob are now strumming on their guitars to some song called "What Would Willie Nelson Do?" which is really making me miss the old days of toking grass and munchis. Le sigh.

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I swear videos like this were created solely to get me to snort milk through my nose as I chomp down on Oreos.


Hopefully this gives your Friday a happy little kick, eh?

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Oh Garfield Minus Garfield, how I heart thee.

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