There are too many things that randomly happened recently that are too short to constitute their own posting. Just go with it:

1. Someone on twitter started following me. Their link was http://twitter.com/FindToriNow and before it registered in my pea brain that it was probably about some kid, I actually thought for a second "but...I'm right here...in Pensacola. I mean, I'm not in DC anymore and that may make me fall off the map, but you can call off the twitter search, I really am here of my own free will..." And then I removed myself from my own vanity and realized it was about a little girl in Canada. So...yeah. Go to the twitter. If you see that 8 year old @ reply on twitter to them about it. Yes, that seems rude but I'm trying to help find a missing kid here who happens to share my awesome name.

2. I discovered earlier this week when torturing Mash with the "am I fat?" questions I find oh-too-amusing that he laughs like a tickle me elmo if you get him in the right spot. No freaking lie, I'm sure they recorded my husband's tickle laugh and said "EUREKA! BOYS WE GOT IT! THIS WILL MAKE OUR CREEPY ANIMATRONIC ELMO GOLD!"

3. Mash and I have been watching The Tudors a lot lately. So much so that we actually started discussing more interesting methods of executions. For those who truly pissed off the king: hanging by the neck while being lowered into a vat of acid. Adding insult to injury? Midgets with pinchers on a pole giving the convict purple nurples. Why midgets? Why not.

4. This might be TMI, so avert your eyes if you're not a fan of the hijinx of operating a vajayjay. The other day I was in the shower and needed to shave my...lady bits. I ran out of my normal shave gel and saw Mash's Edge one and for-some-dumb-reason thought it would be a GOOD idea to use it down there. Minty fresh does not begin to describe what it made my cooter feel like. It was all tingly and cool and refreshed feeling. I still cant decide if it was good or bad. However, after I got out of the shower I went to put a tampon in and the damn thing got stuck half in. I couldnt pull it out because the freaking MINTY CHILL had dried it up and caused this freaking thing to be stuck. Of course this is the time that RobBob knocks on the door saying he's ready for his ride to the airport. In a fit of panic I ended up having to use a towel and the wall to get it in. I'm not even going to try to elaborate on that description further. But it got in. And that's the point. My mother found this amusing for some reason.

5. Speaking of my mother, she's pretty l33t and hip with the kids these days. She has an iPhone AND can text coherent sentences on it. (My dad occasionally sends me a letter from his phone and is all proud about the fact that he texted...sigh). Anyway, below is an actual conversation we had via text the other day when I had horrible PMS:

Me: I'm getting my uterus removed. I can just buy kids.
Mom: Consider each day as one less you have to deal with the cramps.
Me: I'm sure that's what they tell prisioners waiting out their sentence. Only replace cramps with rape.
Mom: No uterus tends to dull up one's sex life.
Me: Rape probably doesnt add passion to a convict's either.
Mom: True. But why do you want to decrease your fun with Mash
Me: (obviously having misread earlier texts from her because I was still in prison rape thought mode) Um. Huh? I have a feeling I'd want sex MORE often without a uterus. No worries about any uninvited occupiers!
Mom: Put yourself on gchat
Me: Maybe I dont wanna gchat. Ever think I was comfy in my covers with my iPhone? Suffering from super sleepiness thanks to her uterus?! Im hungry though, might have to move soon.
Mom: Get ip you lazy woman...
Me: I have an IP I just dont want to use it for gchat right now!!
Mom: Boon...
Me: ...is this a new insult I'm unaware of?
Mom: It was supposed to be boo hiss.
Me: Yes. I can see how you would mistype that.

Yep...thats my mother. Used to my antics. Sigh.

Till next time folks.

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Why is it that every time I go to McGuire's (a local steakhouse/brewery in Pensacola) I have some sort of crazy story to tell afterward?

A Case Study, from March 15-Apr 17 2009 (yes I was able to pinpoint the first visit for this study, that's what GOOD researchers do):

Situation Uno - Dinner with Mash (aka Husband), RobBob (aka Bro-in-Law), and CoolJ (my writing partner) on a busy Sunday night. Our waiter seemed to be very strongly suggesting we eat the pork chops. The conversation went as follows:

Waiter Eric: May I suggest the pork chops to you?
Table: (each person says no)
Waiter Eric: (looks at me with desperation in his eyes) Are you sure? They're very good pork chops, I highly recommend them.
Me: Um...yeah, definitely been thinking about this dinner for the past two hours and I'm pretty set on the prime rib.
Waiter Eric: (hesitating) um...ok then.

After that point it was approximately 8-10 minutes between every table visit. Seeing as I drink pretty quickly this was unacceptable. Then CoolJ pointed out to me that perhaps I should consider that McGuire's is ruled by the iron fist of Molly McGuire. We then spent 15 minutes riffing about how waiter Eric was being beaten by Molly's rolling pin every time he went in the kitchen for not upselling the pork chops. It then progressed to an idea for a skit that CoolJ and I are now writing that ends with Waiter Eric crying in his shower fully clothed while repeating 'Pork Chops' over and over and Molly McGuire then pulls him out of the shower and gives him a swirlie. Seriously, this is the stuff we come up with when left to our own devices at dinner...

Case Study #2 - Nothing too eventful here; just that Belle, her sister and I met a cool guy at the free drinks night (Thursday) and the evening progressed to us visiting a strip club (where I convinced Elle's sister to put a doller in her mouth and have the stripper remove it with her boobies ) and then a bit of Whataburger from across the street to wash it down. Yes, this evening was high class.

Case Study #3 - Again Ladies Drink Free Thursday night...last night. We sat at a table so we could gobble some grub. Then we realized our potential party of 8 (2 were running late) would NOT fit at the table for 6 we had, so I decided to discuss this with the waiter. *ahem*

Me: Sir, we were just notified that two more of our friends are coming and obviously there isn't enough room in this booth, is there anyway we could work this out so we could accomodate that?
Waiter Corey: Nope. You're all just going to have to scooch in.
Me: So then I guess I'm just going to have to not tip you.
Waiter Corey: (shocked I tell you, shocked) I'm sorry?
Me: Sorry, its just that I don't know how to remedy the situation and felt it best to bring it up to you BEFORE it becomes a problem, I would hope you'd respect that.
Waiter Corey: (still backpedeling from previous asshole comment) Yeah, I dont know either, I'll go ask my manager..............

And with that he got his answer, we got a bigger table, and yes I did tip him. But seriously, that happened? Just a wee bit bizarre for a waiter to be so...assholish.

Stay tuned, perhaps I'll have some other bizarre experience there again soon...

On a side note...Mash and RobBob are now strumming on their guitars to some song called "What Would Willie Nelson Do?" which is really making me miss the old days of toking grass and munchis. Le sigh.

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