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Get in the Jalopy!
Posted by DC Export
on
2:21 PM
in
Amusement,
Funny Funny Ha Ha,
Listen to This,
Only in Florida,
WTF Dumbass FAIL
First on our illustrious agenda today:
Some Recent Fark headlines with 'Florida' tags (I live for these, almost as much as I live for IceT scenes in Law & Order SVU) because this crazy shit only happens in this insane state:
-Man finishes jail sentence, steps out and takes a breath of air as a free man, and then is promptly run over by a police cruiser
- Today's Fark-ready headline: "Sex-Doll Threesome Man Gets Off". Giggity
- Lingerie football league to begin playing in Fort Lauderdale. John Madden to come out of retirement to call games. WHOA LOOK AT THAT HOLE
- Nine people shot, one fatally, at block party remembering neighbors lost to violence. So...party next month?
- Teachers pose topless for calendar spread to raise money for cancer research. Hilarity ensues
- With budget impasse still unresolved, legislature debates whether new Christian license plate should have stained glass, cross or Jesus Chainsaw Massacre displayed
- *Ding Dong* "Who is it?" "Land Gator" "Oh, Charles, are you pretending to be that awful Land ... OH MY GOD NOOOOO"
- And then there's that special level of stupid for those people who run stop signs, while smoking joints, carrying 209 pot plants in open back seat of car
Which brings me to WHY I'm posting that. You see, I awoke this morning to find this little diddy via a local newspapers Twitter (headline word for word): "Woman arrested for stabbing priest"
Say WHAT?! You can't give me a headline like that for some crazy shit happening in Florida and have this pathetic squalor of a article! I mean, shit! You spent TWO WHOLE PAGES discussing Florida's Elite Mother-of-the-Year candidate for bringing a Gun & Knife to school on the 10 yr anniversary of Columbine (who you still couldn't 'confirm' that she was demonstrating in connection to the Columbine events y'all), but only 2 friggin paragraphs on someone going all stabby on a man of the cloth? WHAT has Florida come to?! For such a crazy religious state (see loverly proposed Florida licence plates with half-dead Jesus on them above) you'd think they would take some time to elaborate on what happened. Why it happend. What did the Rev eat that morning? Shit that you covered in Dipshit-of-the-Week's article, but not in this one. I say of-the-week because I know this state well enough by now to know that there will be a new reigning champ shortly.
...sorry for ranting, local reporting is whack y'all.
In other news I can't get the following two songs out of my head. Its like a gnome has taken up residence in there and is spinning his favorite two songs. STEVE ILL GET YOU ONE OF THESE DAYS!!
...um...yeah. Anyway, the first is Kanye West/Kid Cudi/Common's take on Lady Gaga's Poker Face. Phenoms.
And this is "Im Freaky" by Flight of the Conchords...I'm not gonna lie I've been singing this to Mash all weekend. Because you see, that's what I do when I actually have an entire weekend with husband, I sing absurd songs about how his wife is freaky and wants to make 2 life-size cutouts of our bodies and then pose them into sensual positions, or how he should go outside and get some leaves and pretend to be a tree and ill pretend to be a squirrel and steal his nuts from him...did I mention that I say these things to him while using Brett's falsetto voice? I totally do.
I feel like we're all getting closer already dear readers!
Happy Monday!
|
Some Recent Fark headlines with 'Florida' tags (I live for these, almost as much as I live for IceT scenes in Law & Order SVU) because this crazy shit only happens in this insane state:
-Man finishes jail sentence, steps out and takes a breath of air as a free man, and then is promptly run over by a police cruiser
- Today's Fark-ready headline: "Sex-Doll Threesome Man Gets Off". Giggity
- Lingerie football league to begin playing in Fort Lauderdale. John Madden to come out of retirement to call games. WHOA LOOK AT THAT HOLE
- Nine people shot, one fatally, at block party remembering neighbors lost to violence. So...party next month?
- Teachers pose topless for calendar spread to raise money for cancer research. Hilarity ensues
- With budget impasse still unresolved, legislature debates whether new Christian license plate should have stained glass, cross or Jesus Chainsaw Massacre displayed
- *Ding Dong* "Who is it?" "Land Gator" "Oh, Charles, are you pretending to be that awful Land ... OH MY GOD NOOOOO"
- And then there's that special level of stupid for those people who run stop signs, while smoking joints, carrying 209 pot plants in open back seat of car
Which brings me to WHY I'm posting that. You see, I awoke this morning to find this little diddy via a local newspapers Twitter (headline word for word): "Woman arrested for stabbing priest"
Say WHAT?! You can't give me a headline like that for some crazy shit happening in Florida and have this pathetic squalor of a article! I mean, shit! You spent TWO WHOLE PAGES discussing Florida's Elite Mother-of-the-Year candidate for bringing a Gun & Knife to school on the 10 yr anniversary of Columbine (who you still couldn't 'confirm' that she was demonstrating in connection to the Columbine events y'all), but only 2 friggin paragraphs on someone going all stabby on a man of the cloth? WHAT has Florida come to?! For such a crazy religious state (see loverly proposed Florida licence plates with half-dead Jesus on them above) you'd think they would take some time to elaborate on what happened. Why it happend. What did the Rev eat that morning? Shit that you covered in Dipshit-of-the-Week's article, but not in this one. I say of-the-week because I know this state well enough by now to know that there will be a new reigning champ shortly.
...sorry for ranting, local reporting is whack y'all.
In other news I can't get the following two songs out of my head. Its like a gnome has taken up residence in there and is spinning his favorite two songs. STEVE ILL GET YOU ONE OF THESE DAYS!!
...um...yeah. Anyway, the first is Kanye West/Kid Cudi/Common's take on Lady Gaga's Poker Face. Phenoms.
And this is "Im Freaky" by Flight of the Conchords...I'm not gonna lie I've been singing this to Mash all weekend. Because you see, that's what I do when I actually have an entire weekend with husband, I sing absurd songs about how his wife is freaky and wants to make 2 life-size cutouts of our bodies and then pose them into sensual positions, or how he should go outside and get some leaves and pretend to be a tree and ill pretend to be a squirrel and steal his nuts from him...did I mention that I say these things to him while using Brett's falsetto voice? I totally do.
I feel like we're all getting closer already dear readers!
Happy Monday!
|
